Being a Mom Has Given Me a Split Personality


real mom confessionsWe all (probably) like to fancy ourselves as steady, stable people.  Reliable!  In control of our thoughts and emotions!  But let’s face it, motherhood – or maybe just busy adulthood – has a way of… diversifying our thought processes.  One minute, you’re calm, rational, and collected.  The next, you are wondering how bad it would really be to just leave the kids locked in the car while you grocery shop.

Here are just some of the divergent thoughts I’ve had over the past couple weeks. 

Me: OK, grocery shopping and errands with the kids… I’ve got this! 

Also me: Please, I beg of you be calm, be quiet, don’t touch anything, I am at your mercy I will do anything you want.  Eat these garbage Goldfish crackers, here watch my iPhone for two minutes, sure you can hang off the side of the giant cart at Target like an animal.  Just promise to be quiet and stay close to me.  


Me: I have sooooo much work to do.

Also me: I just need to read this one thing online, while I finish my coffee… then I’ll start my project.  OK let me just check out what’s new on Facebook…. I should read this NYT article, it’s important… maybe I should rest my eyes for a half hour, I’ll be able to concentrate after that…


Me: I wish my kids could see me working and know that I have a complicated and interesting job, and I help people and contribute to the world outside of this family!

Also me, the second a child enters my home office: GET OUT I have important stuff in here, don’t touch anything!  


Me: I am cultured, I know things.

Also me: I haven’t been to a museum in three years.  Podcasts count as books, right?  


Me: Kids!  Eat your vegetables!  No, you can’t have juice; there’s too much sugar!  No dessert, you don’t need it and you didn’t finish your dinner!

Also me: It’s 10:00 at night. I am going to finish off this bag of mini Milano cookies and they’d go great with this giant glass of wine.


Me: Desire me, think I’m irresistible, never doubt that you married a fox!  I’ve still got it!

Also me: Yes, I’ve worn these leggings 3 days in a row. Don’t judge me; you don’t know my life.  Don’t touch me; I’m exhausted.


Me: We need to eat out at more restaurants with the kids to teach them about manners in public and expose them to exotic cuisine!

Also me: We can only eat out at that one place because it’s loud there and they give us crayons and they have the potatoes both kids will eat and the special jelly packets.  Bring some toys just in case.  Hurry! Eat fast. We need to get the bill before there’s a meltdown.


Me, seeing that my husband is doing the dishes: I love this man. He is my partner and such a great dad.  I need to make sure he knows how grateful I am to have married such a stud.

Also me, seeing that he left pots behind in the sink “to soak”: I will end you.


Me, during bedtime a.k.a. “I have a burst of energy and curiosity and I’m thirsty and need to poop but it’s not coming out give me 15 minutes” time: I am this close to strapping you to your bed. I have NO time for ONE MORE KISS. I swear to God, you STAY IN BED, don’t call my name, GOODNIGHT.

Also me, fifteen minutes after the kids are in bed: I am lonely I miss those sweet snuggle bugs.


Oh, I could go on and on.  Maybe, someday, my brain will be back in one piece – but not in the near future, I’m afraid.  What are some of your recent conflicting thoughts?

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Lorrie lives in Cupertino with her husband, two small children, crazy dog, and obese cat. Originally from the Chicago area, Lorrie headed west in 2010, and hasn’t looked back. She loves exploring the Bay Area, and finds that even after six years, there is always something new to discover. Lorrie is a licensed and practicing attorney in both Illinois and California. She is proud to represent employees in all manner of work-related disputes, and partners closely as Of Counsel with Caffarelli & Assoc. Ltd., a Chicago-based firm. When she is not working or chasing her kids around, Lorrie likes to tinker with home improvement projects, walk around on sidewalks and trails, zone out on the internet, and “Netflix and chill.” She also likes to run, and aspires to one day make it to a yoga class.


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