Department of Education Introduces New Sex Ed Program


    Struggling Nanny

    The Department of Education is set to announce a controversial new sex ed program that it will introduce into its High School Common Core curriculum beginning in the next school year. The new program, titled Scared Sterile, will pair every student in their sophomore year with a local mom of at least two children under three years old.  

    In lieu of their spring break vacation, they will care for these children independently between the hours of 7:00 AM and 5:00 PM. Then, they will have one helper to play with the children halfheartedly while watching sports and checking their phones. Between 12:00 AM – 7:00 AM, they are guaranteed to be disturbed by the children at least three out of five nights of the assignment, but every night disturbances are likely.  

    Connie Dominguez, Deputy Secretary for the Department of Education, explains, “Through our analysis of past programs that used sacks of flour or mechanical dolls to mimic newborns, we found that 95% of students enjoyed the assignment and described it as ‘playing house.’ This new program skips the novelty and wonder of having one, new, tiny baby, and drops students directly into the most trying of circumstances —toddlers, many of them.”

    A pilot study was completed in San Francisco earlier this year and was met with wide success. At the end of the program, Noah Waynes, a 15 year old student, said, “I have younger brothers at home, so I thought this would be no big deal. I cried after one hour and have never been more tired in my life.” Another student, Holly Shiitake had this to say, “The stay-at-home-mom I worked with gave birth to twins. She showed me her C-section scar and all of the loose skin on her tummy. I’m never going to complain about my body again.”

    When asked for comments, the moms laughed uncontrollably. Then they said, “Where are my babies? I miss them.”

    April Fools!





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